For those who don't know, a guide to turning 30

I have crossed the age border. I no longer tick the 20-30 block I am now classified as 30-40 years old. I may as well be 40. Never mind I have discovered that there are perks after all. Being older has released me from the assumption that other people know better. I went for a facial, and as it goes with these things was bombarded by suggestions of expensive products I need to buy. All good and well, I’ve been through this before at hair salons and beauticians, and I usually give in, believing that my face or hair will in fact fall off if I don’t buy this product immediately, it has been the cause of many dips into my savings. So for my 30th I get a voucher, go for the facial and get told to spend over R 1000 on new products. ‘Bugger that’ my internal monologue goes, ‘I’m not going to have this twenty something year old tell me what to do’. ‘She’s a mere child, and I will not allow myself to be bullied by some upstart’. No thanks I tell her, give her a winning smile, and walk out. Poepsnuiter! It’s a word I have earned the right to use. Anyone who is younger than me, who is pissing me off, or acts like they are the bees knees, will be branded a poepsnuiter. I’m a tannie now, so everyone else gets to be a poepsnuiter.

I failed in many ways. There were things I was planning to achieve by the time I’m thirty and going down my list I am a complete failure. I have made no significant contributions to the world, I have not learned to surf, I have not performed on stages around the world, I have never been in Heat magazine, I have never recorded any of my music, none of my short stories have ever been published, I have never been able to extract tears from my audience with a moving performance and I’ve never won any awards, hell I can’t even get myself cast in commercials for nappies or stain removers. I suck. But on the flip side the pressure is off. I don’t have to try and achieve anything before a deadline. The next significant age I’m going to be is fifty or sixty so I’ve got plenty of time to procrastinate, forget or fail before the next age border. We put so much pressure on ourselves to achieve certain things before this significant age, and I haven’t managed to do it; so fine. Moving along. Next question. What’s for lunch. There is nothing I really need to do right now anymore. Sure I don’t think I’ll stop trying, I haven’t fired my agent, I didn’t burn all my manuscripts and journals, smashed my guitar or stopped working out. The thing is I don’t have a deadline anymore, I can keep doing these things at my leisure.

So my friends for those of you about to reach your thirties, and for those whose ranks I have finally joined, my views and perspective on this significant age. Don’t be scared, but freak out a little if you must, then move an. We’re hitting our quarter life crisis, we’re all allowed to wack out a bit.