One of the perks of time is that the past becomes more and more ridiculous. Things that seemed like the end of the world at the time, now you look back on them and it’s a little embarrassing that you ever gave a shit. Moments in your life where you thought that this was going to be the end, after this nothing else matters, and then it turns out the event in question becomes the thing that doesn’t matter. I like the butterfly effect theory about how every single little thing has an influence on your future in some way, mostly things we don’t even think about. My choice in something as simple as colour socks I’m wearing today may have affected things that I will never know about, maybe even big things, maybe history as we know it.
A very good example of this is boys. Crushes, loves of your life, people who rock your world. Only later you see them walking in the street and you hope they won’t recognize you because you couldn’t bear to think that you ever had or wanted to have something with such a loser. I’m not trying to be mean on purpose, and I’m sure there are still people who fancy their pants off, but it most certainly isn’t me. We all change as we get older and I guess some people grow out of the side of them that we once fancied and holds on to the bits of them that we didn’t really like so much but were besotted enough to ignore. I’m the kinda girl who can go years being completely in love with someone who doesn’t know I exist. Happens all the time. My crushes are very very long term, and usually come to nothing or end up being very disappointing. I suppose we all do it, we fancy someone and make them up in our minds to be the best thing since flushing toilets. We spend all our energy running around after them, making friends with them, hanging out with them, thinking about them, fantasizing about them and in that time they can do no wrong at all. Most of the time you can spend hours with them, helping them through personal shit, supporting them and still they never really see you. I have a great deal of experience with this. Accidentally becoming the friend of the person you fancy. Ugh, what a pain in the ass. With one such guy I even ended up helping him pick up chicks! I know, not a very high level of self esteem displayed in that one. The beauty of it is, that after you cry your eyes out, and spend years holding on to that little tender spot in your heart you had for this person, you see them again and realize you are completely unattracted to them. I saw a former crush of mine a while ago, and low and behold, some other girl was doing the same thing I used to do, run around after him and lurk in the background. I had a civil ‘hi how have you been’ conversation with him and was really to jump back into ‘I adore you’ mode, only I couldn’t. I just really didn’t see it anymore and realized I didn’t give a shit. I wanted to fall back into old habits, but couldn’t, whatever was driving me into the insanity of these kinds of relationships was gone. Hallelujah for that. It’s actually a little bit funny that I ever cared; to think that that mattered to me so much.
The same goes for other things. Getting that job might have seemed like the most important thing and now you think it’s a pretty pathetic position to hold, or being worried about what people think of you when it turns out they’re even more concerned about what you think of them. Nothing new, nothing we don’t actually know, but something we are constantly forgetting.
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